All I really know is that his name is Chunk at least that’s what we call him. He’s 12 weeks old, growing in my wifes belly and the best and probably only secret we had ever kept.
On the 3rd of March 2013 we went for our 12 week scan, sat laughing and joking in the waiting room at my wifes desperate need to pee, and having paid our £5 for the photos that everyone happily posts on facebook, twitter and everywhere.
Lets go back a few weeks and tell you all about how we found out! We hadn’t told anyone we were going to try and actually my parents believe we never will, as it would interefere with out lifestyle! We go out and do a lot of things, rugby, theatre, meals, cinema, so it was a fair conclusion. Anyway we were trying and on the same weekend that CITV had a 80’s throwback weekend (our Youth) my wife realised she was “late”, so she did the test, and big blue X appeared, we both stood in surprise, and decided the sensible thing to do was another test, and then another the next day. We are a scientist and an engineer, and we like repeatability!
So we went to the doctor, and saw our midwife, who by the way is fantastic, and got our bounty pack, and a million forms to fill in. We both managed to extract various pieces of medical history from our parents without arising suspicion.
We even wrote a Health and safety risk assessment for my wife, because of the nature of where she works, and got agreement from various parties. Everything is in place!
Next comes the secret shopping, we haven’t actually bought anything, but we have been looking at prams, and cots, and clothes, and shoes, rattles, nappies, pads, bottles, there is a lot of stuff you need. My personal favourite is the £3000 carbon fibre pram I really want! We know not to buy anything in the first trimester can happen.
Now back into the scan room, we get called in smiling and hand over the photo ticket. Wife lays down and gets her belly out, bladder full as requested. Liquid jelly stuff duly applied, face turns to monitor, as scanner is searching for chunk. Foetal sack found……. Where’s chunk?
Both of us are educated and well read, and we both knew instantly something was wrong. There’s no baby, where’s the baby?, just a big black nothing The sonographer asked if we got our dates mixed up, we knew we hadn’t. She did the blood flow check, the geek in me know this is a Doppler effect test. There was no blood flow. We knew Chunk was dead, shock sets in as the sonographer goes for a second opinion.
We both burst into tears, what do we do now? The baby is dead, but there was no sign? It’s called a missed miscarriage.
The second opinion comes Chunk had died around 7 weeks. The kicker for me was the “refund” of the photos it comes in an envelope so no one in the waiting rooms has to know. We were then whisked of the to see the consultant to advise on what we do next.
This is wont go into, you don’t need to know.
I’ve never felt such a loss in my life, I’ve cried for three days straight, my wife is even worse.
We’d planned on telling our parents the following Sunday, mothering Sunday, the most difficult call I’ve ever made to them happened.
We’ve tried to rationalise it, we can’t, we’ve argued with God, it was no good.
We don’t know what we did wrong, why us, why our Baby. Why, just why?
We know the statistics 1 in 3 pregnancies fail. But why us, we could have offered the best home and life for a baby.
To this day I sit and cry when I’m alone, and I know my wife does the same. It’s taken this long to decide what to do. I’m writing this down.
Up till now only our family and very close friends know.
We don’t need anything, or want for anything
BUT what we do know is his Name was Chunk, and we won’t forget him.
And to others, your never alone.
(yes we’re crying again)